Today has been filled with weepy moments, and I decided it was finally time to allow some emotion to escape. You see, my grandmother passed away in August, but due to certain family members who do not even know how to remotely act like good Christians, I have been unable to properly mourn her passing. I could not afford to have a weak moment as I needed all my strength to deal with their ugliness. So I built a wall around my grief and soldiered on.
Over the past few weeks, I have felt small cracks in that wall, but I have tried my best to dam them up. Apparently today was the day all repairs failed. First, I unpacked my Christmas stocking which my grandmother (mostly) made - her first and last attempt at knitting. Then I made the mistake of watching a recorded episode of General Hospital . . . the one in which Edward Quartermaine passes away. Seeing certain family members being kept from his bedside was the last blow my wall could stand.
After allowing myself a short crying jag, I decided it would perhaps be cathartic to write what I would have said to my grandmother if I had been given the chance. So here you are, Nene:
I would have reminded you of the things of which we spoke the last time I was allowed to see you: how much I love you, that I will make sure my children remember both you and my grandfather, and that I will keep the family Bible updated and safe. There are other things I want to say, such as how much it means to me that I was raised on Lee Farm and that you took the time to share the history of the land and our family with me. Thank you for all the trips to the movies and for making sure that my sister, my two daughters, and I all received our first dolls from you. Thank you for the beach memories and for extending that opportunity to my three children. Thank you for allowing me to acknowledge your faults and shortcomings and find a way to love you regardless.
Most importantly, I want to promise that I will try to be better than our previous generations. I will try my best not to hold grudges and to forgive family that has treated me badly. In turn, I will strive every day not to hurt them, regardless of their actions. I promise to love my cousins unconditionally. Finally, I promise that your namesake, my sweet little Bess, will be taught to embrace the best of you.
Thank you for loving me, and I will never stop missing you.
Love Always,
Ginny
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