Ahh, sleep. The dream sought after by many a parent of a newborn. It is often an elusive goal, especially if you have more than one child in the house. If you are like us, we thought we were getting sleep, but we were really just deluding ourselves.
You see, our first child spoiled us rotten. She slept through the night at eight weeks old. And I don't mean five to six hours at a stretch. She slept for ten to eleven hours, woke up, nursed, and slept for another hour or two. Then she took a three hour nap in the afternoon. Before you rub your sleep-deprived eyes and decide to hate me . . . it wasn't like that with the other two.
Our second, a boy, was a different ball game. First of all, he had reflux. Once I figured that out and placed him in either his swing or car seat to sleep, he slept better, but nothing like oldest. Also, you may have noticed if you have a boy and all your friends have girls . . . they want to eat more often. Okay, a lot more often. You may think they don't do this until they are teenagers, but boys are born voracious eaters and need a constant influx of calories. For me, that meant nursing every hour and a half during the day and about every three hours during the night. Even when I felt my body couldn't keep up anymore and started supplementing him with formula, he still needed to eat more often than his sister. It wasn't until our son was eight months old that he slept through the night, and then it was a seven to eight hour stretch. He has never done the marathon sleep that his sister did, and even at almost-five-years-old, he does not require the same amount of sleep as his older sister.
Enter baby number three. You'd think she might be something like one of the other two when it comes to sleep, but no such luck. Oh, she suckered us in the beginning. Around six weeks, she started sleeping five to six hours at a stretch, and she didn't want to nurse as often as her brother. At three months, that all changed. She started waking up every two hours and refused to go back to sleep unless I fed her. Needless to say, I usually fell asleep while breastfeeding, and the baby ended up staying with me. (I know I just gave all the pediatricians out there heart failure, because co-sleeping is currently a big no-no. Those of us who live in reality know that you do whatever is necessary to survive with an infant.)
So, the baby and I slept together, and I naively thought that I was actually getting enough sleep. You know that saying "slept like a baby?" Total misnomer. She fidgeted constantly, and I would wake up at the smallest twitch, terrified that she would be up again and we would have to start the whole process over.
Time for the four-month-old check-up. Our pediatrician is actually a woman with whom I went to college (we lived in the same dorm our first year and were in some of the same science classes.) Because of our history, I have an easy time talking to her, and I made up my mind to bare my soul and let her know I was at my wits' end. Before I could launch into my saga, she asked, "So where is the baby sleeping?" My almost-hysterical laugh said it all. She said my darling child had figured out the "game" and that she definitely did not need to be eating that often. Our doctor recommended immediate sleep training using the Ferber method, and she said it would only take two nights to get our little one on a schedule.
Many people are either unaware of the Ferber method or only understand it as "that guy who wants you just to let your baby scream until they finally exhaust themselves and surrender to sleep." I highly recommend that those individuals read up on what Ferber actually believes. The basics are that you establish a bedtime routine (whether that's bath, book, snuggling . . . that part is up to you), then you place your child in their crib and leave their room. If they fuss or cry, you allow them to do so, starting at fifteen minute intervals. After fifteen minutes, you check on them but DO NOT pick them up, leave, and start the process over. Each night you gradually extend the time you are gone until the child learns to soothe him or herself to sleep.
So, I steeled myself to endure a couple of nights of endless crying. I mentally focused on the (hopefully) positive outcome of all of us getting a good night's sleep. I talked my husband through the process, warning him that no matter how tired he may be at 2:30 AM, he was NOT, under any circumstances, to pick her up and allow her to sleep in his arms. At 7PM, I began the ritual of bathing and one last feeding. Half an hour later, I laid my darling upstairs in her crib, wound her mobile, and said,"Nighty-nite, Momma loves you, sweet dreams, and God bless." I went downstairs, and three minutes later, the wails began.
I had previously decided that I couldn't handle fifteen minutes of screaming. I set the timer for ten minutes and forced myself to wait it out. She bawled the entire time, and I started to doubt the wisdom of this process. The timer went off, I trudged up the stairs, rubbed her little face, and started my mantra of sayings again. This time, the cries started before I even left the room. Back to the kitchen timer, where another ten minutes was set.
With thirty seconds left on the timer, I prepared to go through the soothing process again, steeling myself against picking up my child. I had one foot on the bottom stair when, miraculously, the sobs stopped. I waited awhile, then went and peeked in the crib, where I saw a little cherub snoozing away. She slept until 6 AM the following morning.
The next night, we went through the pre-crib routine. This time, when I put her in her bed, she smiled at me, her eyes already blinking heavily. I left the room and she never made a peep. This time, she slept for twelve hours, and that 's pretty much been her pattern ever since. She rarely fusses when I lay her down, and she's actually wanting to go to bed earlier and earlier. Most nights she is asleep by 6:30 PM, and she stays that way for twelve to thirteen hours. What a relief! She will occasionally wake up in the night, but she usually is back asleep within five to ten minutes.
I'm functioning much better as a mother now that I'm back to slumbering seven to eight hours again. If we could just get my husband to go to bed rather than playing on the computer or falling asleep in front of the TV, maybe we could banish exhaustion-induced grumpiness around here altogether . . . :)
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